Asking For Help

There are a lot of things that are hard for me, and asking for help is one of those things. It's something that's never been easy for me, but that I didn't see as a problem until I decided to live in intentional community during my CCSC year. I struggled to both ask for help when I needed it and to voice my needs to my community, especially if I thought my needs might be difficult for community members to understand or meet. However, I came to place a high value on my community (and community in general). Part of community is being vulnerable, taking risks, helping others, and allowing others to help me, so towards the end of the year I began to get a little better at asking for help and voicing my needs.

Still, I have a long way to go. Recently, I had car trouble and my initial thought was that I had to figure out how to take care of it by myself (not fix the car—I know I can't do that—but get it to the mechanic and get myself home). Really, I was perfectly capable of calling AAA by myself. However, a friend offered to try to jump my car so that maybe I wouldn't have to get it towed and go with me to the auto shop and give me a ride home.

I didn't even ask her, but it was even hard for me to accept help that was offered freely. Partly, it was hard for me to accept help from my friend because we have only known each other a very short time and I don't know how I can return the favor, but—as my friend pointed out—doing nice things for people shouldn't have to be “paid back” and I certainly wouldn't expect anything if the situation was reversed.

Jumping the car didn't work so I did call AAA, but I was very thankful to have someone wait for the tow truck with me because it was dark and I had to wait for over an hour in a parking lot in downtown Buffalo. Also, having someone fun to wait with made it the most enjoyable car trouble I've ever had.

This experience made me question if I changed in my often stubborn refusal to ask for help over the past year as I hoped I had. I may not have. Instead, I trusted my community enough to do something outside of my comfort zone and that is a different kind of progress and demonstrates how wonderful my community was.

Even if I couldn't ask for help, a year ago I might have refused the help that was offered and then sat in the parking lot very bored, slightly scared, and wishing I would have accepted help, so maybe there is some progress after all.

VOICE Buffalo's Public Meeting

Sunday afternoon I went to VOICE Buffalo's annual public meeting. VOICE Buffalo is a faith-based community organization that is working on projects many projects in the community. I wanted to do a write-up about the meeting, but my thoughts don't seem to be coming together on it, but I wanted to write something...

I am interested in safe neighborhoods, education, public transportation, transitioning former inmates (particularly youth) back into the community, and extending the millionaires tax cut; however, I work with National Fuel Gas every day so that's what I found most interesting.

One of the things they talked about was the “National Fuel Campaign For Fairness” with the National Fuel Accountability Coalition. I've recently had a small a run-in with NFG and I have lots of clients who have big problems with NFG, so this was something I was quite interested in. At the meeting, I learned that the CEO of NFG (David Smith, in case you care) makes about $3,500 an hour. Yeah, an hour. That's double what I make in a month. Last winter, NFG ran over 2,000 adds on TV in the Buffalo area about their winterization efforts even though last year they didn't spend a single dollar of their profits on winterization. NFG's winterization efforts are funded through donations they ask for in their customer's bills. I don't have a bill yet, but I did receive something asking for money for different programs they have (also, they spelled my name “Maty,” so that's one more black mark against them in my book).

Think of all the winterization NFG could do with just one hour a week of their CEO's pay check. Of course, that wouldn't really be to their benefit since it would lower heating costs for the customers who had their homes winterized. On Tuesday, I went to a utilities workshop for work that was sponsored by NFG. The representative from NFG who spoke talked about how little profit they actually make because of how much they help people who have trouble paying their bills (I don't see this happening much at all--what I see is NFG cooperating with non-profits like Catholic Charities and government-funded programs to pay the bills for the clients and sometimes forgiving a small amount of the bill as long as most of it is paid for by the programs). I know that a lot of their profits come from places other than customers, but they can't be doing too poorly if their CEO makes about 7.1 million a year.

Back to the VOICE Buffalo meeting—VOICE is working to organizing meetings with community representatives and National Fuel. Recently, they have also successfully pressured NFG into increasing their winterization efforts by 50% (and this includes using some of their own money).

Some other things I learned at the VOICE Buffalo meeting:

--Buffalo's High School graduation rate is 50% and for black males the graduation rate is only 25%. This is embarrassing for Buffalo and if the Millionaires tax is cut, funding for schools will be cut by 20%, which certainly will mean nothing good for those percentages.

--Eliminating the Millionaires tax would decrease funding to Medicaid by 25%

My favorite quote of the meeting was “love is the only force capable of turning enemies into friends.”

I learned a lot at the meeting and it certainly made me want to get more involved in my community to help creative positive change; however, they didn't offer any volunteer opportunities except one that took place during the day on a week while I'm at work. They did give the opportunity to donate money, but I don't have a whole lot of that.

Sharing is Better

While helping a client fill out a Change of Address form, I asked him if he liked his new apartment. He said, “yes,” but that the old one was a nicer place. However, the new apartment was “better” because he shares it with a friend.

“Sharing is better.” He told me.

He said it was better for economic reasons, but also because it’s better not to be alone (he’s currently waiting for his wife and children to join him in the United States) and that it’s good for people to share.

“Sharing is better” is so simple, but something that is so often overlooked or even looked down on in this country. We seem to ignore the fact that we depend on one another and that what we do has implications for others, whether we like it or not. We like to think we got that job all on our own and that what we bought we deserve because of our hard work. We forget that we’ve had good mentors and that a friend put in a good word for us with our new boss and that there are people who work just as hard as us—or harder—but don’t make as much money and can’t buy what we can.

Sometimes I think that the sharing that goes on in our individualistic American culture never goes much further than learning to share crayons in kindergarten. I wouldn’t be surprised if even that kind of sharing is going by the wayside because parents are probably sending their children to school with their own, individual 24 pack of Crayolas. What happened to the person with two tunics giving one to the person without a tunic?

Sharing is better—one simple economic example of this is sharing grocery money in my community. CCSC volunteers have a $100 stipend for food each month. It would be hard for one person to buy food for themselves for $100 a month, but it’s pretty easy to feed four people with $400 a month because it’s possible to buy things in bulk (and we eat at lot).

As my client pointed out, the only good kind of sharing doesn’t have to do with money. It is better not to be alone—to help others with their struggles and to allow others to help us with our struggles (not to mention that good times are so much better and so much more fun when shared with others). It is better to share your love and yourself with one other person or a community of people than to stay inside yourself.

I’m still learning to share myself with others rather than to hide within myself, but this year I have come to the conclusion that sharing is better and that community is better—and that’s a big step in the right direction.

Two Fire Alarms in One Day

I was going to write about how there wasn't much going on and I was too tired to reflect, but then things started getting exciting.

On Saturday morning one of my roommates was making scones when the fire alarm went off. The scones were not burning, but some stuff on the bottom of our old stove was smoking. Since the house we live in is owned by Canisius College, we cannot turn the alarm off by ourselves. Instead, we waited for the campus safety to come. We had all of the windows and the door open, but the smoke stayed around for a while.

Later that night, I decided to make myself an egg and some tea. We have a gas stove and I noticed smoke coming from the burner that had the tea kettle on it. I turned it off and opened the windows so that the fire alarm wouldn't go off again, but there was still a tall flame coming from it so I turned off all the burners, but the flame kept getting higher. I didn't know if there was some way to turn the pilot light off that I didn't know about, so I called my parents. My dad suggested I turn off the propane at the tank, but we don't have propane tank.

The flame kept getting higher so I used the fire extinguisher. I'd never used a fire extinguisher before so I wasn't expecting the huge mess or the toxic smell. The fire alarm started going off because of all the dust and white stuff that comes from the fire extinguisher. My poor roommate was in the shower and one of my other roommates was asleep.

When the campus safety came they told us to clean it up with soap and water, but one of my roommates had to clean up from a fire extinguisher before and she said the insurance company told her it was toxic and she needed something other than regular household cleaner to clean it.

Apparently, the best way to clean up all that white dust was with vinegar water. It took 16 collective hours (with three people cleaning) to clean the entire stove, oven, counters, everything on the counters that we didn't throw away, scrub the floor and do a lot of cleaning in the rest of the first floor in order to get all the toxic dust out. That description doesn't do it justice, but my recently-turned-23 knees sure know that they worked today and are well on their way to becoming old lady knees.

I was very happy to have two of my community members to clean with because, not only did it mean I didn't have to clean 16 hours totally on my own, but we also entertained each other while we worked. This is only one way that I'm finding out how good it is to live in community.

There is a silver lining in this dusty, toxic cloud: our entire kitchen is now probably the cleanest it's been since the house was built.

A good situation, but not a good story

On Thursday of this coming week, we have our fall retreat that focuses on community. I'm excited to get away and have a retreat. We've been told that in the past, many communities have started having some major issues at this point and that this retreat can be both stressful and a good chance to work out problems.

A part of me wishes I could tell you about some kind of community conflict that came up in the first two months (almost) of living together that we pulled together and talked over using non-violent communication and resolved our problem in a way that was good for everyone. I have no such story. So far, everything in our house has been going remarkably well. I'm very grateful to have housemates/community members that I really like, feel comfortable around, and get along with, but I doesn't make a very good story. Stories in which everything goes well and are happy are not interesting.

I would, of course, rather have a good community than a good story, but I'm a writer and I like stories. I also know that it's still the beginning of our year together, so a good story could be in the future. Still, as long as we keep up with the patients and honesty we've started with in our house, we may end up nipping any potential story in the bud, which will be great for the community and the mental/emotional well-being of everyone in the community, but unfortunate for my writing.

Back to the Future

Well, the technology fast is over and I feel like celebrating. The only problem is that my computer is broken. I cannot even turn my computer on, so it is now in the shop. Right now I'm using a computer that belongs to one of my community members. I suppose I'm going to be doing technology fast extended edition.

I don't often personify objects, but--like so many computers--mine seems to have a mind of its own that practically demands personification. Right now, I believe my computer was so upset over my neglect that it broke itself.

Computer problems aside, my first month and a half of CCSC has been a wonderful experience. I like my community, I like my house (expect for the bathroom door that doesn't close and a few other old house quirks), I like my job, and I like Buffalo--though I'm reserving my final judgement until March or whenever winter ends here.

It's hard to reflect much on what has happened so far because it's still the beginning and I've been very busy. However, there are a few things I've learned that I'd like to share.

1) A surprise--being open and sharing isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. When talking to Amy, the CCSC director, she suggested that learning to be open and sharing myself with others was the next step that I was about to take in my personal development with or without CCSC. I think she may be right, but I also think coming here to volunteer and live in community with other volunteers has helped me with this piece of my personal growth and development.

2) It's really nice to jog outside in a park and smile and say hello to people instead of be so absorbed in the music on my ipod that I hardly notice what's going on around me. Also, other people who are walking and jogging without ipods usually smile and say hello back while people with ipods tend to look the other way.

3) On to work matters--getting a green card seems simple enough, but it isn't and it takes a very long time (four months minimum).

4) If you give children paper and markers, they will write on the table.

5) Walking is a perfectly acceptable mode of transportation and a good way to unwind from as stressful day so that I can be pleasant when I come home to my community members.

6) USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) loves numbers. LOVES. There are immigration numbers, social security numbers, arrival numbers, employment code numbers, alien numbers, case numbers, and on and on and on.

7) People of nearly every culture are responsive to a smile and complements about their children.

8) A lot of people wait until the first day of school to register their children for school even when they've had since January (and I'm not talking about refugees).

9) Don't agree to help a co-worker without knowing what exactly you'll be doing. You might end up waiting in long lines on the first day of school to register children and everyone will look at you funny because even though you look like you're twenty-two you seem to have six children (and one of them is 16).

10) Hide the candy.

Preparations: Panicking About the Technology Fast

I’m very worried about this technology fast.

At first, I wasn’t worried because I grew up in a house without a TV and I don’t use my cell phone much (weird, I know). I am pretty attached to my computer and the internet (especially facebook), but I really don’t think I’ll miss it much. My big worry is being without my ipod.

I love music. I’ve always loved music—both listening to and participating in music. I was in choral, band, concert choir, and musicals in high school. To me, one of the most important parts of the Mass is the music, and I often judge a church on how good its music is. Music relaxes me, lifts my mood, makes me want to dance, and distracts me from problems in my life.

It’s the distracting that is the whole reason behind this technology fast: the whole point of the technology fast is to be present in the moment to ourselves (what we’re thinking and feeling), learning to live simply and recognize the difference between needs and wants, to get to know our community instead of staying in such close contact with people who aren’t there, and to the other people in our community.

As my sister, Laura, and my roommate from my senior year at Salem, Jane, can attest, I am addicted to the music of Tegan and Sara. I feely admit I’m addicted and I warned Jane not long after we moved in. Fortunately, Jane likes T+S too—or at least she did (it’s very possible she got sick of them and now hates them, I don’t know). In the past two years or so I don’t think I’ve gone more than two or three days without listening to T+S music.

I’m not sure what it is about their music, but on a good day it makes me feel even happier, and almost without fail helps me feel better on a bad day—even if only a little bit. I have a playlist on my ipod called “feel better” that I listen to when I’m stressed out, angry, or sad. On this playlist are the songs that give me comfort or can always make me feel better, and of the 60 songs on this playlist, 24 are Tegan and Sara songs.

Long before I was a Tegan and Sara fan (and that was a long time ago since I started listening to them in high school), music has been a sort of lifeline for me—as I know it is for many people, particularly teenagers. I honestly don’t know what it will be like to go a month and a half without my ipod.

I’m not trying to be overdramatic—I know I’ll survive a month and a half without music. However, I do anticipate that the first month is likely to be one of the most challenging months this year and the time when I will most want to have Tegan and Sara handy.

In the past few years, I’ve become very good at finding the positive in most situations, and--outside of the obvious possible positive effects of the technology fast (simplifying my life, being present in the moment, getting to know my community and participating in community instead of people I’m not with or locking myself in my room with my music, etc.)--once the first month plus some weeks are over and I can have my ipod I’ll probably appreciate my music even more. After all, we all know distance makes the heart grow fonder.

About Experiment in Sharing

I’ve decided to start a blog—something I’ve actually been opposed to doing for a long time—to chronicle my year of service (August 2010 to August 2011). I have some reservations about blogging (and I think I should disclose right now that I almost never read blogs and I have no idea what I’m doing), but I think it’s important to have a record of this year. In addition to recording the events of this year, I want to have a way to share my experiences with a large number of family members and friends, I want to let others know what a year of service could be like and potentially encourage them to look into doing service, and I will hopefully bring some attention—however small—to different issues I care about.

I’m calling this blog “Experiment in Sharing” because I typically don’t share my personal experiences and feelings with many people. Sharing in so public a way is new for me and I don’t know how it’s going to work out.

This whole year is an experiment, an adventure, and a challenge in many ways and one of my experiments is sharing. Not only will I be sharing my experiences on the internet for any random internet user to read, but I’ll also be sharing myself with those I live in community with and those I work with. Since I’m living in community with other volunteers, I’ll be sharing space (though this isn’t new since I’ve never lived alone and I always had a roommate in college), but more than sharing space, every week the community meets to discuss things such as spirituality and our experiences at our work sites. I’m sure we’ll be sharing our thoughts, feelings, fears, doubts, etc, and this is the kind of sharing that will be the real experiment—and challenge—for me.

I’m sure some topics I’m likely to write about are spirituality, living in community, my work (I’ll be working for Catholic Charities’ Immigration and Refugee Services), health, social justice, the environment, feminism, equality, Catholicism, books, things I learn from the people I live with and the people I’m serving, and I’m sure many other topics I can’t yet anticipate.

I intend for this to be an intelligent, thoughtful, and honest blog, and I hope that people will give me constructive critical feedback if I’m really missing something or if this blog becomes something else.


A few disclaimers:
For the first month of this year, I’ll be participating in a technology fast (no computer, cell phone, TV, ipod, etc.), so I won’t be posting during that month. After the first month, I may not post very frequently because I won’t have internet access at home.
I also want to apologize in advance for any errors because I’ve found I’m blind to errors in my writing until I print it off and read it in hard copy and I don’t plan on doing that before I post things.


So, thank you for sharing this experiment with me—I hope it’s a successful one for all.